Thursday, January 7, 2010

Drawn to Darkness

I'm drawn to the Darkness.
I can't help it.
I hear it calling out to me,
Asking me to join it.

I hear the voices of those trapped inside it,
Screaming to get out.
But the Darkness has swallowed them
In its ever-growing stomach,
Because of its insatiable hunger
To consume everything lighter and brighter than itself.

I spend my life not keeping the Darkness at bay,
But embracing the Light.
If I just keep the Darkness at bay,
I'm focusing on the wrong thing.
If I embrace the Light,
The Darkness will never possess me.

That is why I can walk in Darkness
Without being consumed by it.
I embrace the Light and carry it with me.
The Darkness has tried to wrench it out of my arms,
But I grip it tightly.
I will never let go of the Light within me,
Therefore, the Darkness will never consume me.

The Darkness hates me for this.
The Darkness in others hates the Light in me.
The Darkness in others causes them
To try to stop me, stampede me, and blackball me,
But I was gifted with tenacity and compassion.
They are my strongest weapons against the Darkness.
I tenaciously seek out those trapped in Darkness,
Because I have compassion for them and want to get them out.
I will not stop until the stomach of Darkness is emptied,
And its mouth forever powerless to swallow its prey.

I am not afraid of the Darkness.
The Darkness is afraid of me.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas with the Family

Well, another Christmas with my family is over. I love my family, and I love spending time with them, but they have a hard time spending time with me. I grew up in a family of straight-laced, conventional thinkers who have a really hard time with my visionary, revolutionary, non-conformist mindset.

My parents are always urging me to "not be so weird." My siblings have a hard time making basic conversation with me, because my appearance bothers them. I'm the only one who has body piercings and tattoos. They don't understand my desire, my need to be different.

It's always hard spending time with my family, but I will always love them. It doesn't matter if they eventually accept me, or they never do. My love for them is not conditional. If my love for anyone is conditional, then it's not real love. Love is a choice, and not always an emotion. I don't always feel love for my family, but I choose to love them, because they're the only family I've got.

Why can't people just accept those who are different from them?


Sunday, December 20, 2009

Super models

I was watching the Tyra Banks show a few weeks ago. I don't watch it often, because she teaches women and girls that they have to be society's version of beautiful. Yes, she says that women of any shape and size can be beautiful, but they have to wear the "right" clothes and "right" makeup. She would never promote those of us who dress and do our makeup in a subculture style such as goth, punk, anachronous, or SCA. She wants everyone to be a lemming and follow what the media and Hollywood celebs say is beautiful. But back to my original thought...

I was watching the Tyra show a few weeks ago, and she was talking about finding this young man working at Krispy Kreme who she thought would make a great male model, so she asked him to do a photo shoot. She went on and on about how the camera loves him and he's so photogenic. Then she showed some of the pictures from the shoot.

What I saw was a young African-American man who had thin, spindly limbs. When she showed one of his shirtless shots, I could see every last flipping one of his ribs. A lot of the women in the audience were oohing and aahing over this guy, but all I could think was, "He looks like a starving man from Africa. He looks like he hasn't eaten in a month."

I don't know about anyone else, but I've never been attracted to skinny men. It feels like I'm hugging a bag of bones. I like men who are more cuddly. When people ask me what I physically like in a partner, this is my usual reply: "I like my men like I like my hamburger; big and beefy with a nice set of buns."

Now don't get me wrong. A man's physical characteristics are not near as important to me as his character and personality. I need a man who has high moral and ethical standards, which are very hard to find in a man these days. I also need someone who's smart, someone that I don't have to define words for that I use in everyday conversation. And he and I have to have several common interests, which is also difficult, since I'm hardwired for non-conformity. Usually, if it's popular, I won't be involved in it. I don't like feeling like a lemming.

But Tyra Banks seems to want everyone to be a lemming. Even though she says that women don't have to be the size of supermodels to be beautiful, she still pushes for conformity to popular culture's fashion and behavior standards.

In Tyra's mind, Kate Moss (below, left), who popularized the Waif Look in the early to mid 90's, is a beautiful person. Why can't a goth glam girl (below, right) be beautiful to mainstream society?

Just something to think about.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Why I Stand on the Edge

Many people have asked me over the years why I'm so different. Many people have called me weird, peculiar, odd, strange...take your pick. People don't understand my need to buck mainstream society and stand on the edge. This is something I recently wrote in response to all their comments.

I stand on the edge, because I choose to,
Because I have chosen to follow the calling
You appointed for me.
Not many understand why I choose to stand on the edge.
They don't understand that You have given me the ability to balance.
It can be a precarious position at times,
Even downright scary,
But I know You will never let me tip over the edge.
And I know I won't fall,
Because You are holding me up.

I see those who are over the edge,
And I reach for them.
I tell them this is a safe place,
And I reach out my arms to grab them.
Those toward the center don't understand my method.
They don't understand my need
To stand on the edge.
But they aren't called to be on the edge.
Those who aren't called to it
Can't understand it without Your help.

I know You choose not to let them understand,
Because being an outcast is part of the package of this calling.
You knew that those over the edge would not accept me
If I was accepted by those toward the center.

At times it hurts to be rejected
By others who serve You.
It hurts to be accused of not following You.
It hurts when they ask me why I'm not like them.
They don't understand that I'm being like You.

I display an aspect of Your character and personality
That those toward the center
Would rather not think about.
They like to keep You in the boxes they've made for You.
Long ago, I broke the box I was keeping You in.
I smashed it to pieces so I couldn't put You back in it.
And You've taken me to places
I never dreamed possible.
We've been on a wonderful, difficult, painful journey together.
And You have never disappointed me,
But always surprised me.
Thank you, my Love.

Always Yours,